Oh the life of a grad student. Half the time I feel insane, and the other half of the time I feel like I have no idea what's going on. Neither of these helps me, and I end up feeling chaotic, out of control and so freaking lazy. I think I trick myself sometimes thinking "Oh hey, I was working for seven hours today and then went to a three hour class, somehow that means I deserve the biggest brownie ever". And it is because of this that I feel like a baby hippo. Yes, I said it. A baby hippo. Food for me has always been a battle. I will eat until I think I might throw up. And I will eat when I have already eaten. Or when I feel I deserve a reward (even though one of my favorite body building ladies says never to reward yourself with food because you are not a dog). Or when I am sad. Or when I am thirsty. Or when I dont know how I feel. And this, ALL of this is frustrating. I work out almost 8 times a week, and I am still the same size that I never wanted to be. Now, size isnt whats really important. I am so much more focused on being healthy and feeling good, so size doesnt really matter, but in the grand scheme of things, it does. My life revolves around food. Food with friends, food with the love of my life, food with parents, food on the drive, grocery shopping, food on the way home, etc. My life is like one big potluck that never ends. And I need to stop this party.
No more eating crap. No more feeling like crap. I'm not sure how I'm going to do this, but I do have a feeling that I will find a way.
On another note, I ran a 5k this weekend with a very dear friend of mine. I wasnt planning on doing it a few weeks ago, but when she asked I couldnt turn her down. After I was done with the race and was stuffing my face with a bagel (see? food as reward), I realized how awesome it was to be able to just sign up for a race that was coming up in a week or so. And how awesome it felt to know that I could do it. And that I was ready for it. And that I would do it. THAT is empowering. This is why I run. This is why I work out. I work out to run, and I run to escape, to cope, to believe, and to ground myself. Oh, and to empower and awaken the living beast inside of me. I have never fought so hard for something like running. Except for maybe weightloss. But thats a whole new story. So running has become my new coping skill. I just wish I could find the way to eliminate the eating skill.
This weeks workouts are exciting. Mileage is going up and I'm worried about fitting it all in. But in the end, I know I can do it. And I know I have the support of the best person I know :-) Apparently I inspire people.
Until next time,
Charity <3
